Department of Presidential Exchange

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"MAJOR" BOB COLLINGBERRY

Lead Director of Presidential Exchange (Lead D.o.P.E.). Bob has no idea what he’s doing and has never held public office or done anything within government, but he was cheated out of $12,000 in 2014 by the President when he fixed the gutters at Trump National Golf Course and this is his repayment. Loud and inappropriate, Bob is similar to the President in many respects (dresses in a smoking jacket-- he’s the epitome of how poor people think rich people look and act). POTUS is his hero and can do no wrong. Bob pushes back on EVERY requested change from D.o.P.E. He's the Excuser-in-Chief, but he's the boss.

Assistant Lead Director of Presidential Exchange (Assistant Lead D.o.P.E.)- Pete is a longtime public servant—he’s seen it all, until now. He’s got one foot out the door and has zero time for Bob or the President or D.o.P.E. He retires in 3 months then it’s 2 months on the Caribbean, port-of-call after port-of-call, with his schoolteacher wife of 32 years. After those 2 months? “I don’t have a *&%$ clue. Probably kill myself,” reveals Pete, as he has "the Babe Ruth of all pre-existing conditions." Pete keeps to himself and is only there to moderate disputes between Will and Bob, which he does half-heartedly.

 

PETER MILLAR

WILL FRANKS

Temp agency hire, on loan on a week-to-week basis. Will finds himself running the day-to-day of the Department as best he can with his community college degree. Quiet, unassuming, just doing his job. His former employ was as a Tom's Shoes Third-World Country delivery truck driver.

"Wow, that sounds like a great job. They must have been so happy to see you when you arrived in those villages?" says Tiffany upon finding this out. "Not really. They don't really want shoes. Shoes are hot and just get in the way. And shoes under those conditions don't last more than a couple weeks so they mostly used them as gifts for visitors. Bono has over 200 pair. Tom's slogan should really be, 'Buy a Pair, Give a Pair to Bono.'"

Will wants to be a sketch artist but has no talent. He has a thing for Kate, but she’s out of his league, or is she?

 

TIFFANY WALTERS

Young and attractive Tiffany has no time for anyone, and she’ll tell that to your face. Tiffany went to beauty school so most things that float through her worldview are seen through the lens of style, fashion and appearance. She thinks the President is disgusting, not only for his politics, but also for his looks. She is also the one everyone looks to for guidance on “the Black stuff,” as Major Bob Collingberry reminds everyone. She's a great researcher with an uncanny ability to find nuggets others can't. She’s dating Richard Sherman, but not that Richard Sherman.

OSIRIS JUAN WEINSTEIN

A black, Mexican Jew from Schenectady, Juan tries his best to do his job but sees red at every turn. Anger and identity issues abound, but a great researcher. Juan has the hots for Fifi, ironically.


 

KATE CLARKSON

Ivy League, Kate’s the credentialed-brains at D.o.P.E. She’s the history major who let’s everyone know she knows her history, including Presidential history. She’s the first one to remind everyone how unprecedented everything is and the first one to throw her hands up and storm out. She’s the emotional half that Will lacks. Will is attracted to Kate but her desire to succeed never gives Will’s (very modest) advances a chance. Kate is dating the President’s Senior Advisor’s Second Assistant but is horribly treated; something that only the others see.

 

SPANDAU "SPOOGE" WILSON

This guy is the office know-it-all. Parents were products of the 80s, and Spaz went to Arizona State, majored in Communications (which he says puts him in the best stead to run all of D.o.P.E.—he volunteers for everything and messes up almost as often), was most recently Assistant Manager at Roy Rogers on the Jersey Turnpike (Exit 7). He is a huge Bernie fan but the new President does just fine in his opinion. Yuge proponent of the awesome job the President has been doing “draining the swamp,” and making America white again. Exhibits many millennial traits and cannot stop talking about how unfair it is that he has to repay his college loans (despite the fact that he went to a State school and his loans were for 3 years of ‘Gaming Camp’).

FIFI VANDERPHLUG

Fifi is the daughter of a major donor to the President and has no interest in doing any work—just fending off the creepy advances of Spooge and waiting for the promotion that means she doesn’t have to keep hiding in the sub-basement of Trump Tower. "I’m stuck in this &%*# basement with this Legion of Losers until after the inauguration, then I’m going to the White House. [Slowly, pointing a finger] And all you little peons will be but a faint memory of bad gas and high cholesterol after I leave," she says. She was born to be in the spotlight, not the basement.

Alvino is the  74-year old Trump Tower security guard  who monitors D.o.P.E. through the cameras spread throughout the complex. He’s old school and voted for the President. He wants to be associated with the upper-crust and feels that by cow-towing to ‘the Man,’ he can get there. Thinks the President and his administration are loved by everyone and is there to support in any way he can. He’s an authority-lover and believes that if it's on TV, it must be real.

Urbano is Alvino's new security guard partner, and he represents the new generation of Latins; informed, in touch and impatient. Urbano defers to his elder but as Alvino becomes less reliant on reality, the disparity between the two generations becomes more evident.

ALVINO & URBANO

SIR NIGEL SCOTT

Sir Nigel Scott is the documentarian who, along with his crew, is responsible for documenting the progress of the Department of Presidential Exchange. Sir Scott claims to have permission for this endeavor from on high, an assertion that is confirmed by Pete, but as we soon learn, there's more to this Brit/Aussie/Somalian than meets the eye.

MS. FRANCINE MCMANUS, Esq.

Ms. McManus is the only contact D.o.P.E. has with the ground floor and above of Trump Tower. She is their handler and keeps a low profile, not only because D.o.P.E. is a top secret department but because she hates basements.

© 2020 DOPE45, LLC. All rights reserved.   This is a work of satire.